Day 365: I'm Still Here

Eva Sheie (00:17): A year ago, we started this podcast. The night before your first chemo appointment, right?

Kristen (00:24): Yeah.

Eva Sheie (00:25): Tonight we're going to go through three stories. One is called New Kristen in Old Austin, because you just came to Austin for three weeks. So we want to cover that. And I forget which one of your friends called it that, but I love it.

Kristen (00:38): It's awesome, my friend Brian.

Eva Sheie (00:40): And then we'll talk about your appointment today. And then we're going to try something different and I'm going to rapid fire you at the end and ask you about the last year. I'm going to ask you a bunch of really quick questions, like a game show. You're going to have to say what statement comes to mind.

Kristen (00:55): You know what, with new Kristen, you never know what's going to come out.

Eva Sheie (00:58): We just don't.

Kristen (01:00): We might have to do a [inaudible 00:01:02].

Eva Sheie (01:04): That'd be funny. It was great to have you here in Austin. You had the chance to drive all the way back because you had the great fun experience of cleaning out your storage unit, which everybody wants to do during vacation.

Kristen (01:19): And Covid.

Eva Sheie (01:21): And Covid. And then here's a bunch of other stuff going on. So just give us a recap of your visit.

Kristen (01:27): Sure. So I flew out there with Jack, my dog, and it was really, really good to be out there. I was really nervous about coming back because there are so many good things and I was so looking forward to seeing my friends and all of that. There was a lot of apprehension though, because that's where the last couple years that I was there were super painful.

Kristen (01:51): So it was extremely interesting because rather than feeling disempowered and nervous, I felt more empowered. If I ran into someone and it was an uncomfortable situation from the school district, or something, at first I thought, oh my gosh, what am I going to do? Because I love going to Honey Ham. I love going to Maudie's. I love all my favorite places.

Kristen (02:18): And I was staying literally around the corner from the school where I taught. And right next door to where my son went to school and then the high school where I taught and where my son went to all three of these schools. So there's a lot of memories that were there, and in addition to my career.

Kristen (02:36): And so it was interesting because I thought about it and I thought, oh, if so and so walks in and we make eye contact, they don't really matter in my world anymore. So I'll just give them a look and kind of just look away and keep moving. And that was not the frame of mind that I had when I was here before. I was doing everything I could not to run into them and that does speak to how I've really done the work on trauma.

Eva Sheie (03:07): Run into anybody scary? Or no?

Kristen (03:07): No.

Eva Sheie (03:07): No.

Kristen (03:07): I saw a couple of students, but from a long time ago. 99.9% of the time, that's always great. No, I didn't run into anybody that was scary. Well, and that probably has to do with the fact that it was over their break for the most part. The school was on break also.

Kristen (03:23): But it was interesting because it showed me that I had worked a lot on worthiness, a lot on self-confidence. And I think this last year, I'm kind of no bullshit anymore and my boundaries are there. And I know I've mentioned it on here, I really didn't have any contact with anybody who didn't love me unconditionally and vice versa.

Kristen (03:51): That was amazing because I didn't have to pretend, I didn't have to. I'm probably not saying it right. It was actually empowering to be there as a visitor. And I think we've talked about this, when I moved to Austin in the very beginning of January 1994, I had come out to work for Whole Foods. And they hired me over the phone when I was living in Woodland Hills up in the LA area.

Kristen (04:19): I said, "You guys are really nice, but I'm looking at this map and you're in the center of Texas. And the only experience I have with Texas is DFW. And so could I come out?" And they said, "Yeah, come on out. It's our open enrollment. You can help us with some benefit stuff." So I actually got there mid-December and so that always has a really special place in my heart. Because I fell in love with Austin in like four days and was there for two weeks.

Kristen (04:45): And the first thing they did was they took me to Threadgill's and Shady Grove. And unfortunately those aren't there anymore, but then the Yule Tree and the Trail of Lights. And so every time I saw the Yule Tree, my heart just jumped because it just reminded me of a really exciting time. I was 28, that was like half my life ago because I'm 56. How crazy is that? So I was in Austin for 26 years.

Eva Sheie (05:09): You might only be halfway through your whole life at this point.

Kristen (05:14): I might.

Eva Sheie (05:14): You could live to be 112.

Kristen (05:15): I could, I could.

Eva Sheie (05:20): Roughly.

Kristen (05:20): Wow. It's possible. I don't know if I want that.

Eva Sheie (05:23): What were three highs and lows from your trip?

Kristen (05:26): Okay. You're going to think I'm sucking up, but truly one of the big highs was the day that you and I and Mary Ellen spent together. It was wonderful talking about our planning and the show and experiences. Let's see. Another high was when I actually had my storage unit completely empty and I took a picture and there was nothing left in it.

Kristen (05:50): And I got to see my friend Christie several times during the trip. And she is so close to my heart and I love her so much. And so that was good, getting to see her that much was a highlight. And getting to see my friend Sonya and stay with her. She had some back surgery and I got to be her nurse for a while and be in control of her meds, which could be a little control

Eva Sheie (06:16): Nurse Ratched.

Kristen (06:18): Nurse Ratched. But the reason that I was out there doing the storage unit thing is because, so I moved out here January 3rd of 2020, and I wasn't able to get everything out here with the movers. And so I opened a storage unit, like a little five by 10 storage unit, and it was a lot of memorabilia and it was from when I packed up my classroom. And there was a lot of emotions that were involved in it.

Kristen (06:47): I went through everything and sat in there and sobbed and laughed. And it was like closing the door on my life of living there in Austin. I love Austin and I will always come back.

Kristen (07:01): One of the highlights I have to say too, was doing what I used to do on Sunday mornings. I would go to Maudie's and I would watch the fantasy football stuff. And I had my planner with me this time. So I sat there and I had my chorizo egg and cheese tacos with chips and queso and coffee.

Kristen (07:21): And I just sat there and was working in my journal and my date book for an hour or two. And it was my Sunday morning ritual, but it was like, oh yeah, this is fun. That was a good treat. And [Nertz 00:07:34] on New Year's Eve.

Eva Sheie (07:39): You had a friend fly out to drive back with you. What did it feel like getting in the car and driving away again?

Kristen (07:47): So yeah, my friend Deanna, I've known her since I was 16 in high school. She flew out Thursday night and things didn't really go according to plan, we had to do a little modification. I was going to rent a truck and put everything in it and leave Texas in like a Dodge Ram or an F150. Leave with a bang.

Kristen (08:07): And because we were renting it at the airport and it was a certain size car or whatever, they wouldn't rent it to us because we didn't have a return flight. And we're like, "Oh man, come on." We had really planned on having a truck, going and loading it up the next morning, and leaving first thing. So I was looking for a solution that night around 9:00 o'clock as I was laying in this cabin trying to go to sleep. And didn't really find one.

Kristen (08:37): So I went to sleep, did a little prayer, like, oh, come on. I did all this work, come on. And so we ended up renting a Ford Transit van.

Eva Sheie (08:50): Oh.

Kristen (08:50): So yeah. And so we had way more than enough room. It cost about twice as much as I wanted to spend, but I didn't have to worry about securing things in the back of a truck or pulling a trailer along. And maybe the rental car agency being pissed off because I wasn't supposed to tow something. It was super comfortable.

Kristen (09:10): We both swear that they have the speedometer fixed at 76. We could never, no matter how far the pedal went down, we could never get above 76. We got out of town around noon. And I had booked an Airbnb right outside of Las Cruces, in a little place called Anthony, New Mexico. Cutest, it was the top of a barn, like an artist barn. And it was probably 1200 square feet, all one room except for the bathroom.

Kristen (09:40): It was very interesting because I don't know why, but that first night I had to be out of Texas. We're getting through Texas the first day. And it wasn't that I disliked Texas. It was just, I needed to be out of Texas on my first day.

Eva Sheie (09:54): Anybody that's driving that route knows it's very hard to stay in El Paso. It doesn't feel right.

Kristen (10:01): No it doesn't.

Eva Sheie (10:03): And I can't even explain why, but I've always been really uncomfortable there.

Kristen (10:08): Same. Well, I took a different route because I saw Travis and Sharon while I was there and we had such a wonderful visit. And Sharon was telling me about a different route to go rather than going through downtown El Paso.

Kristen (10:21): And I thought I was going north and I was actually going south, which is really hard to do when you go south of downtown El Paso. And we were probably next to the wall, literally like the wall for about 40 miles.

Eva Sheie (10:37): Wow.

Kristen (10:39): Yeah. And with the wall, it was like you could see through it. It was slots. What was fun is that as we went across, you know me being a history nerd, I would tell Deanna, "So there's the continental divide." And we'd talk about the continental divide and we'd talk about the Mexican American war. And she let me be a nerd.

Kristen (11:00): So it was weird thinking that I don't have any roots in Austin anymore. I lived there for 26 years. Of course, I have roots there, but just not physical roots anymore. So it was a little bit sad, but it was also, I was so tired from trying to get this task done, that it was just good to get moving on. And it was a great trip. We laughed, we played stupid songs. We had to have Blake Shelton on until we got out of Texas at least.

Eva Sheie (11:36): Okay. So you're home. It's a new year. It's day 365. And you saw your oncologist today, who you have not seen in quite some time. So let's get caught up there. I think earlier you told me she hadn't even seen your Franken-boob yet.

Kristen (11:53): No, neither one of them.

Eva Sheie (11:55): Boobs. Sorry. I don't want to lump them together.

Kristen (11:59): Well, they're both Franken in different ways. And yeah. So the last time I saw her was June 1st. It was the day before my last chemo. So she hadn't seen it and she didn't seem surprised. She did comment that the right one where the radiation was, she goes, "Oh, that skin is really tight. That looks painful."

Kristen (12:21): It's the area that would be toward the cleavage or toward the center of my chest. And the top from how much my skin was radiated there, the skin feels so thin. It's like I feel the nerves in the skin there. It feels like a bruise and my pain across from armpit to armpit, and down my right arm is probably always at a three or a four. I can't even see inside my armpit because that tendon that's right there next to my armpit by my chest, it's always tight. So there is always about a three to four pain level there that I've just kind of learned to work with.

Kristen (13:06): And then I have bone pain and she and I talked about that. I was really surprised when she asked me how I've been doing. I just got tears in my eyes and it was almost like it was you, or it was like I could let my guard down a little bit. And I said, "I feel like I've aged 10 years this year." And she shook her head. She's like, "Yeah, you've been through it."

Kristen (13:29): This is the only time actually since chemo number two, that she saw me with hair. Because I lost my hair after the second chemo. And it was coming back really short, fuzzy. We talked about the bone pain. We talked about the neuropathy, how I had been tripping over my feet. And now I'm actually having a consult in the morning for plantar fasciitis and some Achilles tendon issues that I have in my feet.

Eva Sheie (13:59): Who are you seeing for that?

Kristen (13:59): A PT.

Eva Sheie (13:59): Okay.

Kristen (13:59): Yeah. PT. And then I'll start my lymphedema physical therapy back up too in the next couple weeks. She was telling me that the things that I was describing had to do with the Anastrozole that I'm taking. And she said, "Do you want to switch meds?" And I said, "No, because I see so many people who have so many different side effects and comparatively, I don't feel like I'm having that many. I take it at night."

Kristen (14:33): And she said, "Well, what we could do is," she said, "You could stop it for two weeks and then start it up again. And sometimes that helps to do a reset and you don't get the side effects." And so we were talking about a timeline for that and we hadn't really decided on one yet. And then I was telling her that I always felt nauseous after I ate. And she told me to keep an eye on that. That's not something that we normally saw.

Kristen (15:00): I was asking her about the edema in my legs and she said, "That's from chemo." And she didn't say it's a chemo thing, but it was kind of like one of those. And then I can't believe I'm going to tell you this, but I have no idea why, because I've never been a smelly girl, but I will literally scrub, bathe, do all that stuff that you normally do when you shower and stuff.

Kristen (15:31): I make sure that I clean my underarms every single time. And I know this sounds like a weird conversation to have, but I'll get out of the shower and I'll put a shirt on and I'll put deodorant on. And I smell like, I don't know, like what age is the stinkiest boy? 16?out of the shower. All of a sudden I smell. And I'm like, what is that? It's my left armpit and my right one doesn't smell.

Eva Sheie (15:59): That's so weird.

Kristen (16:00): And so I know. And so I asked, I told her that today. I go, "Okay, can you please explain this to me?" And she goes, "Well, the reason your right one doesn't is because you had radiation there. And it's almost like it killed that piece or something." So I try to stand on people's left side, with my right side, so that they don't smell me sometimes.

Eva Sheie (16:22): The stinky.

Kristen (16:23): I know. Did you notice that I stink?

Eva Sheie (16:25): No.

Kristen (16:25): Okay. Good.

Eva Sheie (16:26): Never. No.

Kristen (16:27): Okay.

Eva Sheie (16:27): I routinely stink myself because...I don't have any good excuses actually.

Kristen (16:37): Well, I guess I have a good excuse. And I said, "What is that from?" She goes, "Chemo." And I was like, hmm. Another one of those things they don't tell you that happens in chemo. And I said, "Well, when's it going to go away?" She goes, "It might not." I'm like-

Eva Sheie (16:51): Oh no.

Kristen (16:52): So I might have this boy smell in my armpit for the rest of my life? I use deodorant. So I manage it. But literally when I smell it, I'm like, are you kidding me? Seriously? I mean, I say that out loud every single day that I smell that. And I would say it's four to five out of seven days.

Eva Sheie (17:10): Now that you're saying that, I have to wonder if miraDry would actually make it go away permanently.

Kristen (17:16): Oh.

Eva Sheie (17:18): That technology.

Kristen (17:18): Maybe.

Eva Sheie (17:19): That's what that does.

Kristen (17:20): Maybe.

Eva Sheie (17:22): I'll have to ask next time we go over to Olea Cosmetic.

Kristen (17:26): Right? Exactly. So she went over my blood work and my vitamin D is low. And so I'm taking extra vitamin D. And they did a bone density scan back in before radiation. And because this Anastrozole can cause osteoporosis. Because if you really think about it, it's basically prematurely aging. Because you're taking all the estrogen out of a woman's body and estrogen is what keeps people young, one of the things.

Kristen (18:01): So she tells me, and I can't remember what it is. It's not osteoporosis. It's like pre-osteoporosis in my hips and my back. And because of that, she wants me to take something called Zometa. And one of the good side effects of it is that it's supposed to also prevent breast cancer from showing up in your bones. So if it was going to metastasize, it wouldn't be in the bones, which is good.

Eva Sheie (18:36): Sounds good.

Kristen (18:38): Right. I mean, that is a place that some people will have it metastasize. So that's a plus, but she said that some of the side effects can be more bone pain. And there's some issues with your jaw sometimes. Blurry vision, agitation. I'm like, oh, come on, I'm already a bitch half the time.

Kristen (19:01): And also feeling like things around you are moving. And I'm like, okay, I don't need any more funky side effects. But she's going to keep an eye on it. And she does blood work right before each injection.

Eva Sheie (19:13): So have you not made a decision about this yet? Or you think you're going to do it?

Kristen (19:17): I'm going to go ahead and do it. I'm going to look into it a little bit more. The research behind it, about the side effects and stuff. But I can't imagine being 58 years old or 60 years old and falling and breaking a hip. So I'll look at the side effects with it. And unless anything really rings out at me, I'm going to go get it.

Kristen (19:40): So it's interesting. I'm taking medication to keep the cancer away and then taking another medication for the side effects that the Anastrozole causes. I'm hoping maybe that will help me from not having a broken rib. Remember how I told you, there's like a random broken rib here and there. So maybe that'll help.

Eva Sheie (20:03): I like your logic. It sounds fine to me.

Kristen (20:08): It's fine. I'm trying. I left there a little bit crestfallen.

Eva Sheie (20:12): When's your next appointment with her?

Kristen (20:15): July.

Eva Sheie (20:16): Okay. That's seven months away.

Kristen (20:20): Well, six yeah.

Eva Sheie (20:22): Or six. Yeah.

Kristen (20:23): Yeah. So I'll see her every six months, unless something comes up. She wants me to really keep an eye on my digestive system. Well, the next time I see her, I should have my exchange surgery finished. And that next surgery too.

Eva Sheie (20:39): Yeah. Now that it's been one year, let's do something a little fun.

Kristen (20:45): Okay.

Eva Sheie (20:45): I'm going to try to get a laugh out of you here because we've been so serious for so long.

Kristen (20:52): I know. I know. I know.

Eva Sheie (20:53): So we're going to do a little rapid fire and I'm going to-

Kristen (20:56): Okay.

Eva Sheie (20:56): Rapid fire, Kristen. I mean, I don't mean I'm going to say something and then you're going to give me a five minute answer.

Kristen (21:01): No, no, I know, a couple words.

Eva Sheie (21:03): You're really good at it.

Kristen (21:03): Right? I know it.

Eva Sheie (21:04): Just whatever comes to your mind.

Kristen (21:07): Okay.

Eva Sheie (21:09): Okay. The first question is, if you think about the last year, do you have any regrets?

Kristen (21:17): No.

Eva Sheie (21:18): None?

Kristen (21:20): The thing that comes to mind, and then I have to put it out of my mind, is the weight gain.

Eva Sheie (21:24): Oh yeah.

Kristen (21:26): And I don't have any regrets. I have disappointments, which are two very different things.

Eva Sheie (21:34): Okay. All right. Let's go to the next one. What is the very best thing that happened in the last year?

Kristen (21:41): Wow. I'm more at peace.

Eva Sheie (21:45): Good answer.

Kristen (21:47): And I'm more at peace because I have turned everything over. I know that I can't control this. And it has resonated in other places in my life.

Eva Sheie (21:59): Love it. I love it.

Kristen (22:01): Pollyanna.

Eva Sheie (22:02): What is the worst thing that's happened?

Kristen (22:06): I've seen what people are really made of. And the other physically, the radiation burns.

Eva Sheie (22:14): Yeah. What was the most surprising side effect?

Kristen (22:20): Probably my stinky armpit.

Eva Sheie (22:25): Stinky armpit. I just learned that there's a dance move called the stanky leg.

Kristen (22:30): Yeah. Oh, I heard about that one.

Eva Sheie (22:30): Did you?

Kristen (22:30): I know about that one.

Eva Sheie (22:30): So, but you have the stinky armpit. It's cool.

Kristen (22:37): Stinky arm. That one was the most surprising. Yeah. Well, and then also tripping over my feet.

Eva Sheie (22:46): Yeah.

Kristen (22:46): That was a shocker.

Eva Sheie (22:47): Not surprising as much as the armpit though.

Kristen (22:50): And a year later, I'm like seriously?

Eva Sheie (22:56): What is that? Oh my God, it's me.

Kristen (23:00): Is it the cilantro? What is it?

Eva Sheie (23:04): Of all your doctors, if you could bring one home with you and keep them, which one would it be?

Kristen (23:10): Oh, you're putting me on the spot. I want to be around them for all different reasons. Dr. Rivera.

Eva Sheie (23:20): Rivera. Okay. All right. Dumbest-

Kristen (23:23): and-

Eva Sheie (23:24): Oh, you got more?

Kristen (23:25): I was just saying, and then Dr. Pacella.

Eva Sheie (23:27): Okay. Well they seem to get along well, maybe you could just have them both.

Kristen (23:31): They can both come on. Yeah.

Eva Sheie (23:33): All right. Dumbest thing that anybody said to you?

Kristen (23:39): Aside from it's a chemo thing?

Eva Sheie (23:41): It's a chemo thing.

Kristen (23:45): At least you're getting new boobs out of it.

Eva Sheie (23:47): Yeah. That's pretty dumb.

Kristen (23:49): Yeah. That is pretty dumb. Or I think the other one was, "It's not that much different than a boob job." Something was said about me that was beyond dumb was, "It's just breast cancer. Everybody gets over that." Really?

Eva Sheie (24:10): The thing that made you most want to have a drink?

Kristen (24:15): Ooh. Radiation burns.

Eva Sheie (24:18): Again with the radiation burns. Yeah. I can see that.

Kristen (24:21): I think the realization that I was never going to be the same person after this as before, in good ways and bad ways. But the bad ways made me very sad. And a lot of it has to do with my brain power and just the way that my brain works sometimes.

Eva Sheie (24:41): Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have called this rapid fire. Maybe I should have called it fill in the blank or something.

Kristen (24:47): Oh, sorry. I'm talking too much.

Eva Sheie (24:50): No, you're not. You're not. I just realized that you're not as rapid fire as you used to be and that wasn't very nice as me. Sorry, Kristen.

Kristen (25:00): Rapid-ish fire.

Eva Sheie (25:01): Rapid-ish fire. Okay. What vegetable does your right breast most resemble today?

Kristen (25:10): Does it have to be a vegetable? Can it be-

Eva Sheie (25:17): I would accept a fruit.

Kristen (25:20): Today a cantaloupe.

Eva Sheie (25:22): Okay. What about the left?

Kristen (25:29): The left, kind of like a grapefruit that's soft on one side.

Eva Sheie (25:34): Okay. That's-

Kristen (25:35): I'm sounding really ... Anybody want to date me? I'm sounding really attractive. I'm the girl with the BO and the droopy grapefruit breast.

Eva Sheie (25:44): What's the vegetable subscription where they send you the misfit vegetables?

Kristen (25:50): Yeah. I know what you're talking about. I think I have misfit vegetables.

Eva Sheie (25:58): What are you most looking forward to this year?

Kristen (26:02): Oh, feeling better. I'm most looking forward to getting these expanders out and seeing myself less deformed. I'm also looking forward to seeing what I decide to do with my hair, because it has so much curl in it when I don't cut it. So we'll see what I do with my hair too.

Kristen (26:23): But I think, knock on wood, I don't know that I could feel a lot worse this next year than I did this past year. So yeah. I'm looking forward to just finding somebody who wants to date a girl with BO and Franken-boobs.

Eva Sheie (26:40): Only on one side. So just steer clear of that side and it'll be fine.

Kristen (26:45): I've made myself sound so attractive. I live alone with my dog. Okay. It could be with a cat, I guess.

Eva Sheie (27:00): Just a reminder that we do have a Patreon. If you found this episode highly entertaining and want to contribute $1 or $5, any amount. We appreciate everything.

Kristen (27:11): You got me all flustered, laughing, thinking about who would want to date me?

Eva Sheie (27:17): [inaudible 00:27:17].

Kristen (27:17): I wonder about that person.

Eva Sheie (27:20): If you want to date Kristen, remember to write us a review of this show on Apple Podcasts, Good Pods, or anywhere that you listen to this show. We always appreciate your feedback. We want to know what you want to hear from us in the next year as we move forward into other topics now that she is cancer free for now. Right?

Kristen (27:41): Cancer free for now. No evidence of disease.

Eva Sheie (27:50): Thanks for listening to Breast Cancer Stories. There's a link in the show notes with all of the resources mentioned on this episode and more info about how you can donate.

Eva Sheie (28:05): If you're facing a breast cancer diagnosis and you want to tell your story on the podcast, send an email to hello@theaxis.io. I'm Eva Sheie, your host and executive producer. Production support for the show comes from Mary Ellen Clarkson, and our engineer is Daniel Croeser. Breast Cancer Stories is a production of The Axis. theaxis.io.